In most of our lives we have moments when we either grow past or watch others grow beyond the need or capacity to include things, people, hobbies or a multitude of other things. As I've gotten older and done my best to include or seek out those I needed or wanted in my life, either I was welcomed or, more often than not, left to my own devices. As I've said on more than one occasion as it has happened, there is no in between in things like this. Either you're actively working to include things you want or need, or you leave them behind.
Nothing flourishes in a vacuum, so far as science knows at this point anyway. Whatever we do in life the reflections of what you do USUALLY are extant because of what we do to foster them. The exceptions stem mainly from things, persons, etc that are either working in opposition to it or are neglectful.
I once heard a story based on a Native American (Cherokee) story that is the narrative behind the saying "The one that you feed..." This story actually has a really profound depth to it as you can alter the subjects and get a comparative level of truth. The story goes that in us we have two wolves, one that is evil and one that is good. What we do makes one or the other stronger and more dominant in us. The story is as follows:
An old Cherokee grandfather was teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me." he said to the boy."It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."
He continued,"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The same fight is going on inside of you - and inside every person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee responded,"The one you feed."
Looking this over I do have to say the original story was actually deeper and had more moving parts but this is the distilled version. If you see the wolves as neglect and friendship which is a further distillation of the story, it still works. All people and relationships are essentially input based, so whichever one you feed is the one that thrives. But as Captain Picard told Data, life is not always so simple. It's entirely possible to do all the right things or make no mistakes and still lose. That is is the nature of life, to know that sometimes with some instances, people, circumstances you are going to lose no matter what.
You can be friendly, helpful, caring, endearing, altruistic, logical, smart, what have you...and still the outcome is going to be a hash mark in the Loss column of life. The important thing is to know when to stop throwing effort at that situation. A good part of life is learning that very important lesson with becoming jaded or distant.
When does Don Quixote stop tilting at windmills? When do you wake up to the friend zone that girl has put you in and is using you? When do realize you can't be the only one putting in the efforts? When do you know that you've been pedaling the bicycle built for two all alone?
And when you find that answer and the result taste like ashes in your mouth we all have a habit of taking it personally. It tends to crush us, smash us emotionally, and for some of us with far larger issues regarding such things, leaves us distant and reserved as a matter of self-defense.
Those who want to continue to be in the benevolent zone of your life you have shown them will most often resent losing the sunlit place they thought was their due. But it is not their call, not their place to insist, not their due, not in any way. All life is voluntary and relationships are wholly reliant on this as a means of maintaining a solid and balanced foundation.
It's rather the same thing as being on a trapeze and one acrobat is holding on while the other does their nails, fully expecting to be held onto and maintained despite the lack of their grip. Better hope there is a net below, because at some point you're going to become well acquainted with low earth orbital decay and terminal velocity. And that metaphor illustrates the reason the other side of the equation gets mad; how dare you let go when I didn't want you to, don't you know it hurts? But in the end it's not a matter of letting go as simply not trying to hold on anymore. When you slip, it's all on the lazy one's side. Blame casting doesn't actually shift blame, it's only an attempt to feed the bad wolf on guilt in order to maintain the other's grip. Because all along you were hurting from the effort and neglect.
If enough guilt and negativity gets poured in the new "normal" is a negative perspective that grows and blots out the good, leaving no glad memories or tidings. The enforcement of marginalization as a norm causes the person under the pressure to conform to the negative. Rather like sitting on a person forced to lay down on jagged rocks, the person on top has a cushy seat at the expense of the prostrated person. Or being the person in front on a four man bobsled during a crash, essentially you become the emotional airbag for the survivors.
With that said I can honestly tell you I am mostly past the marginalization. I've hung up my lance, put down my baggage, looked myself in the mirror and admitted I am a good person and I don't deserve "sometime care" from people. When people needed me I was there.
When I needed people....well, best to let that one sleep.
So now I am feeding the good wolf on a feast of good things which started when I unshackled him and took him for a walk. The bad wolf sat in the corner holing at me:
"You never cared!"
"You're passive aggressive!"
"You make me feel bad when you tell me things!"
"How dare you tell me my opinions are illogical!"
"You hate women!"
"You fear men!"
"Racist!"
"Misogynist!"
"Atheist!"
"You shouldn't tell people things they don't want to hear, truth make them feel unsafe!"
"It's too far!"
"It's too hard!"
"PLEASE!....don't leave me alone."
I look at the wolf and say,"No, Gmork. You are alone and this Atreyu has no need to slay you to win his life back."
It's time for me to walk now. If you feed the bad wolf I pray we do not meet again.
