Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Some days...
Some days I wake up and I feel like all I'm doing is what everyone else needs of me and I'm putting myself into a tertiary mode, where not one thing I need is really important nor does anyone care to hear those needs. So I grind along each day, doing what it is I am supposed to be doing and trying to get them out of the way so I can get to what I want to do. Sort of like eating your vegetables so you can get to your Ice Cream.
However in my day there seems to be no end to this kind of thing and all I am faced with is vegetables. It gets old and I keep telling myself to be patient, it will stop being so lopsided eventually. It's begun to take a toll on my sense of well being however, and the old thoughts keep creeping back in and stealing my energy. There are people who need my help and right now after all the emergencies and crap that has happened and I have had to shoulder alone, I haven't got the juice to keep going.
That old thought pattern is back, and it's stronger than ever.
It tells me that one day people will get the news:
Last night Sean died...
And people will rejoice or shrug in ambivalence, but no tears. If there are any it will be vexation because I am not there to do my job and be useful anymore to those who want me to be.
So I keep plugging away, people keep coming and going, and I get lonely and feel squeezed doing what others demand. I just don't know how to find a place where I matter enough that I can get the same care I put into others...
...because I guess I don't deserve any.
However in my day there seems to be no end to this kind of thing and all I am faced with is vegetables. It gets old and I keep telling myself to be patient, it will stop being so lopsided eventually. It's begun to take a toll on my sense of well being however, and the old thoughts keep creeping back in and stealing my energy. There are people who need my help and right now after all the emergencies and crap that has happened and I have had to shoulder alone, I haven't got the juice to keep going.
That old thought pattern is back, and it's stronger than ever.
It tells me that one day people will get the news:
Last night Sean died...
And people will rejoice or shrug in ambivalence, but no tears. If there are any it will be vexation because I am not there to do my job and be useful anymore to those who want me to be.
So I keep plugging away, people keep coming and going, and I get lonely and feel squeezed doing what others demand. I just don't know how to find a place where I matter enough that I can get the same care I put into others...
...because I guess I don't deserve any.
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