Mendacity

One of my pet peeves in life is mendacity. Now I know, you'll be saying to yourself I could shave just said,

"I hate fucking liars!"

But that's not sufficient. Not to me. Mendacity is much deeper and the feel of the word evokes a sensation in me of being next to something truly evil. Even Merlin Ambrosius said when a man lies some part of the world dies. People slip into lies so easily that many times they don't realize they are lying, it's so ingrained. Some of what we hold dear as children requires not looking too closely, which in and of itself is a deep untruth.

Now if the first things out of your mouth to people are lies about certain subjects, you need to ask yourself how much you're actually contributing to the conversation or even to the world in this area. If you don't start you're going to regret it. Lying is a means by which we figure ways to justify bad behavior of all sorts. In the end you might just find yourself going from white lies to avoid explanations, to full fledged crazyfests where you just run hot and cold diarrhea of the mouth into your own brain and...well you end up doing something terminally stupid in an area you regret.

Some people I have known have done this kind of thing until eventually they cannot be open with ANYONE. They cannot give anything unconditionally, they cannot respect themselves and in the end they do things for motives they don't like anyone seeing, becoming even more reclusive...which defeats the whole original idea of lying in the first place to gain social acceptance.

I know I'm being rather vague, but that's because what I am describing ambiguously is not just one person. It's actually 11 real people and 3 fictional characters that I cannot watch on TV shows anymore. What's sickest about this group of people is that they do not, generally, know each other, at all, and that they all act so very similar I can literally group them into clusters of similarities.

Now, 5 of these people DO know one other in the group. When they got together for the first time it was a BAGFU (Blood and Guts Fuck Up©) from the start to the vile end! I'm not going to tell you that I have all the answers for this kind of thing, far from it, but I did warn these people of what it was I could see was coming at them like a speeding bullet.

Not surprisingly, I was not heeded. Hated. And in the end treated like a pariah for seeing things more clearly than they would all like. See, liars lie in order to avoid not only the truth but the discomfort of
being perceived for what they are, which in many cases the person who is lying does not like. They hate themselves. And they don't want you to know at the core they hate themselves.

Perversely, if you tell people you hate yourself they think you're sick, because everyone today has to love themselves. I have no idea if that's healthier, but you have to get through the hate to heal. I once hated myself terribly and hid it. Then I hated myself but hated others more. Then about 10 years ago I stopped hating myself and began hating things I did or how I was less than perfect.

Today I stopped even that. Not bad for someone who has a lot of issues.

Of course, I don't LOVE myself, but at least when depression saps me down and I want to die, it's just because it's from depression and not because I hate every part of myself. But to those of you who are lying liars from bullshit mountain, let me explain to you WHY you don't really want me around.

You'll eventually know what I know, but you don't know that yet. Every epiphany you have and reminds you of me brings you closer to who I was when I cared what you thought of me or if you even spoke to me. Our distance is not spatial, it's your lack of understanding.

The distance is understanding, and every day brings you closer. I don't need revenge on you. Eventually you'll just wake up, get treated like garbage and realize,"Wow, I did that, too! I'm an asshole."

And you're right.