- n. A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted: crops in need of water; a need for affection.
- n. Something required or wanted; a requisite: "Those of us who led the charge for these women's issues ... shared a common vision in the needs of women” ( Olympia Snowe).
- n. Necessity; obligation: There is no need for you to go.
- n. A condition of poverty or misfortune: The family is in dire need.
- auxiliary v. To be under the necessity of or the obligation to: They need not come.
- transitive v. To have need of; require: The family needs money. See Synonyms at lack.
- intransitive v. To be in need or want.
- intransitive v. To be necessary.
Such a cold analysis of the word that seems to be possibly the greatest motivation in life. A cold definition for such a powerful thing. To need. It's much deeper than want in every way. We can do without "wants" but not needs. We need air, we need food and water, shelter, safety.
Some people even define things as wants that are needs in order to rearrange the way they look at them and impress those changes on others. It's a social ladder pastime, in fact. The rich spinning things into needs, needs become signs of greed and merely wants while THEIR wants become needs supposedly for the betterment of "All" when, in truth, it goes no further than their clutches.
But I digress. How does one define a need? Personally, beyond the clinical and the categorical? Do you do it on experience? Based on feeling? Drive? Some motivation springing from whim? Or something deeper? Or is it driven by fear, longing, pain? Are there motivators from your past? How about guilt? Can that create needs, too?
All seem potential for the creation of a need, for they certainly can create wants and wants can grow into almost obsessive things that can overwhelm us. Some of us live by these drives, avaricious and clinging, holding to the thing needfully and with frightening strength.
Rather than follow how far down the rabbit hole this goes I feel it necessary only to see my own definition of needs for now. I'll re-explore this some time in the future when I have my thoughts more gathered and explored.
My definition of "Need" is Obligation and Requisite. When I put my mind to it I can see almost all my decisions were based on these two points, even unto choosing friends. I felt a sense of obligation to those who looked to me for support. They needed me so I was "obligated". This unfortunately put them in a position of power over me, able to twist me and make me work to their ends. From those I tried to save from themselves(and there were SO many) to those who threw claims of affection my way to alter my course to suit their purposes, I've been twisted in life by my sense of duty and obligation to those who pretended to need me, but didn't.
This has been ever a downfall in my life and has made me make bad decisions despite my intellect and wisdom. In the past I would think nothing of working hard to overextend myself then be left in the cold and alone. This shamed me, left me feeling so stupid and used. Again and again it hurt beyond measure. Throwing caution aside and then chasing to the rescue or doing what they wanted of me under the guise of "need" pushed with tears, a sob story, fears, screaming...name the method and it was burned into me. Even the false promise of love was fair game, which I admit I have always been an easy mark.
People may not be aware of the games they play nor of the emotional buttons they press, or they may know exactly what is being done in order to hold a deep tie to me or others as a support mechanism, while never affording them the same accord. This is the deepest dishonesty I have ever encountered in this world. The more I speak to people I see it's how the frightened and damaged hide from their responsibility in a relationship. Think into your life and imagine if you will that one friend/relative/co-worker that is like what I am describing. You know the one(or more) that I am referring to. They get you to do things based on the implied reciprocation of support and then are nowhere to be found when life deals you a crushing blow or you need to call in a favor.
I could list examples in plenitude, sufficient to render Shakespeare speechless. But I will not bore you with details or anecdotes of my many betrayals. What's past is prologue as they say and now I face the new future of hard choices and changes in how I deal with anyone and everyone.
No one can define themselves by the small spaces left around the allowed and the denied in life. That's like living in a prison of your own construction, bricked in by your own hand defined by those whose supposed needs you put in primacy to your own. It's all well and good to do this for children, but it takes extreme means to explain why someone else should be able to manipulate you thus. Rather than allow this to be your definition, when you feel squeezed you must examine whether your Give list and your Receive list are far out of whack. If you feel it is then introspection to see whether it is selfishness that drives the imbalance is the next honest step. Should you find that you have been giving, and are the solely giving party(at least most of the time) then change is important. If equity is not reached or reachable, it's time for hard decisions.
Keeping this in mind you should honestly be able to expect the following:
1) If you find yourself always/mostly the giver and never/rarely the recipient
2) If you find you are wronged, blamed, accused frequently as a means to control you
3) If you find yourself on the end of broken promises as a rule rather than an exception
These are signs the situation you are in is radically unbalanced and designed to control you for the needs of the other person. Kindness can go very far and should be in abundance in ones life, given freely to others. However one cannot always be the source of light and solace for everyone without some small return. Nothing flourishes in vacuum.
Now my thoughts on reversing this position are:
1) Be kind to people, forgive...and don't forget YOU are a person to be kind and forgiving to!
2) When wronged do not return the wrong, or be spiteful, this ties you to the culprit. Instead consider each step they make upon you as a step you should take away emotionally to disengage from they source of the pain.
3) Remember that life and all in it is voluntary, no matter the motivation for action you have the right and the responsibility to expect equal treatment good AND bad.
In the end it all adds up to my new demeanor to people and how I approach them. No longer will I be obligated by your needs if you are not obligated to mine. Do not expect of me what you cannot give to me. Forsake any idea of leaning on me if I cannot find solace in you. Expect no honesty from me if you cannot be honest to me and to yourself.
In short, though I am kind and will give into the world and the people around me, you can no longer expect from me what you are unable to do yourself.
If kindness, then kindness.
If joy, then joy.
If love, then love.
Nothing less is fair.
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